Stay
by christmasinacup
Summary: The conversation between Joan & Arthur that we didn't get to see in 3x13 "Man in the Middle." One-shot.


I received an awesome message from Ryleigh (crayolakid0413), telling me that she liked my stories, and suggesting I write a quick piece about Arthur & Joan's conversation in 3x13 that we didn't get to see. It was a great idea, so I jumped on it, and wrote this an hour later... thanks for the inspiration! Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it, and maybe we'll get some more of this in the next episode!

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Joan opened Arthur's office door slowly, feeling as if there was a huge weight on her shoulders. She felt like that most of the time nowadays, unless she took enough pills. Exhaustion, stress, pain… she didn't know how much longer she could go on like this. Working up the nerve to tell Arthur was proving to be the biggest challenge she had ever faced, and she was close, but not quite there yet. Maybe close enough to tell him about her fight with Annie earlier in the evening.

She almost smiled when she saw her husband, tired in a different way than she was from a long day of work. He turned around when she saw her.

"Hey. You ready to go home?" she said softly. Her voice was only soft recently, except for the aforementioned Annie incident. He picked up his coat and looked at her. Something in Arthur's blue eyes didn't seem right as he walked over to her from his desk.

"I'm going to take a cab."

Joan was confused, and then Arthur handed her a slip of paper. "And this is where you can reach me for the next few days." He walked away again, as if looking for a distraction. He found one in shuffling papers about on his conference table.

'The Mayflower?" Thought swirled around in Joan's mind as she tried to process what was happening. She closed his office door and looked at him. "Why are you staying in a hotel?"

"Oh, it's just for a few days," he said casually. "I just need to clear my head."

"Because I spoke up in the drone room?"

"Oh please. You know what I'm talking about." Arthur didn't sound angry, but his voice was firm. Joan's heart sunk and she walked over to him.

"Arthur, please don't overreact," she said, grasping at the air with her hands. She made a lot of hand gestures when she got nervous.

"That's exactly why I'm doing this," he said, turning to face her. "Because I don't want to overreact. I don't want to try and hash this out while I'm angry."

So he was angry. Joan hated to do this, but she had to bring up Seth.

"But I ended it with Seth," she said, her voice sounding more desperate than she intended.

"The fact that you had to end it is the problem." _Shit._ Why had she mentioned Seth? Nothing had happened. Yes, they used to date. But that was years ago.

Joan looked at the floor. She knew that if she made eye contact, she would lose it.

"I really don't think I can take you leaving right now," she whispered, using every bit of energy she had to hold back her tears.

Arthur looked sympathetic, but at the same time, cold. He put his hand on her forearm. Not a kiss on the cheek, or a hug, or a hand squeeze. Just a gentle pat.

"We'll get through this," he said kindly. He took his hand back. "I just need a little distance."

Joan almost gasped. She felt all of the air leave the room and her heart began to beat feverishly. The tears were only seconds away. Arthur turned and walked towards his office door.

This was it. She was losing him.

"Arthur, wait." His hand was on the doorknob, and she was glued in place. She managed to swivel around to face him, and he took a step closer. There were a few moments of silence, and then she parted her lips, making full-on eye contact.

"There's something I need to tell you."

Arthur looked open to listen, and Joan knew it was her turn to open up. She took her husband's hand, feeling his callouses, veins, and wedding band. It comforted her, and gave her the final push to come out and tell him the truth.

"I relapsed."

The last strand of sanity holding her together snapped, and tears started to flow down her face. Arthur pulled her into his arms, a look of pain on his face.

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."

Joan wept onto his shoulder, letting everything go.

"Don't be," she stuttered, gasping for air as she sobbed. "It's my fault. I saw the war…warning signs and I… I didn't say anything to you… and then Seth… I didn't have an affair with him, Arthur, I promise.."

"Hey, hey, it's alright. I know," he whispered soothingly, stroking her hair and holding her close. "I know you would never do that. I just knew something was wrong."

Joan nodded and pulled away, sniffling. "I should have told you."

Arthur cupped her chin. "No, I should have noticed, and been there for you."

She started to cry again, throwing her arms around him.

"I thought I was losing you… I can't seem to do anything right these days… I've been going to group, but it hasn't helped... and I… I just want to give up."

"No, don't say that," Arthur said, pulling back and taking her face in his hands. He looked her straight in the eyes and shook his head. "Don't ever say that."

She sniffled again, and he wiped tears from her eyes. He took her hand and pulled up two chairs, sitting her down and then sitting himself down.

"So you want to start from the beginning?" He kept her hand in his, softly massaging her fingers. She looked at him sadly.

"I don't know.." she said slowly. "It started when you got offered the ambassador position."

He nodded, and smiled at her encouragingly.

"I was scared, and I didn't know why," she continued, a few more tears running down her face. "Moving isn't a big deal, because I know that I'd be happy wherever you are – but suddenly, everything felt wrong. I started slowly, just a pill or two a day, maybe three if it got hard… but then Annie was in the hospital, and I turned in that resignation letter, and we were fighting about me sending her to Russia... I started taking a couple at a time, a few times a day. And I had my first blackout in almost 8 years…"

Arthur looked at her, stunned. "Why didn't you tell me?," he asked gently. "Did you feel like you couldn't tell me the truth? Were you ashamed?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I mean, we get polygraphed so much around here, and I didn't know what was going to happen with Annie… at least, that's the excuse I was hiding behind. The lie I was telling myself."

Arthur nodded. "Joan, I love you very much, and I know emotions are hard for you, but even if we are in the middle of a Cold War, you have to tell me when things go wrong. Especially when it concerns a relapse. You've been doing so well, honey."

She nodded. "I know. I feel so stupid, for letting this happen."

"It's not your fault," Arthur said gently, squeezing her hand. "You can't blame yourself for this, it's an addiction that you've had since –"

They were interrupted by the door bursting open. Annie came marching in, with Arthur's secretary, Beth, just a step behind her.

"Sorry, I tried to stop her," Beth said. Arthur nodded, and the young woman left, closing the door behind her.

"Annie, this needs to wait," he said forcefully. Joan wiped her eyes and sighed, letting the humiliation just pile on.

"Haven't we already said it all, Annie?"

Annie shook her head, panic on her face. "The photos were doctored. Almazri was never at the compound."

Arthur and Joan looked at her in shock as they processed the information. Arthur was pissed, mostly because he needed to focus on his wife right now. He was also a bit sick of Annie continuously coming into his office, thinking she had the only right answer.

"So we launched a drone strike based on faulty intel?"

"Mossad played us," Annie said. Joan's mind immediately snapped into anger mode. Was she fucking serious?

"No, Eyal played you," Joan said coldly, staring Annie straight in the eyes. The warmth that had been there before Russia, the emotions that caused Joan to pull Lena off of Annie in the hospital, to wrap the young woman in a hug at her home, had vanished. Joan was currently at fault for a lot of things, but not this. Annie broke their relationship, and she could dig her kitten heel into all she wanted until it shattered into a million tiny pieces, but Joan was not going to pick it up. Not any more.

Annie looked hurt, and for the first time, Joan didn't care. She had been almost completely numb, back to her former ice queen self, until now. The numbness had set in fully, and Joan didn't feel a thing.


End file.
